Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
