he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
worst night to have a conscience
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
