i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
