You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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