The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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