On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
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