somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Randomize
