Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
