i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
