i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
