I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
