I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
the gays at disneyland are vicious
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
