Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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