I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
