Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize