I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize