im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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