I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
The air taste purple.
Randomize