I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
