I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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