Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Randomize
