Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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