it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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