take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
the day after is always just damage control
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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