Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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