Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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