If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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