I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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