I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Randomize
