I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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