I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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