I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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