I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
