so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
