i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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