My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
