My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Randomize
