my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
