after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Randomize
