Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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