dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
vagina is talking i cant
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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