I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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