Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
