i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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