Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
