I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
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