I wish my penis had an off switch
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
