Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
