I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
50% drunk capacity currently
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
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