I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Randomize
