I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
