Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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