if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
So much Jack, so little girl.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Randomize
