my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I'm at about main and main street
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
