Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
