i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
