Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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