My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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