if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
my shit smells like andre
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
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