guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
You left your phone here
Wait...
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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