1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I need to sanitize my soul.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
