Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
