i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Randomize
