Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
