It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
