I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
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