if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
