...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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