I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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