im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Princesses don't give blow jobs
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
